


Lovesick

by justanother30



Series: Lovefools [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Aged-Up Yuri Plisetsky, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Comfort/Angst, Drama & Romance, Gotta go through the heartache to heal, Grinding, M/M, Making Out, Oral Sex, Post-Canon, Rimming, Romance, Sequel, Stalking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-06-08 17:44:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15248556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanother30/pseuds/justanother30
Summary: Part 2 of theLOVEFOOLS SERIES. Read Part 1LOVEFOOLS.When JJ decided to travel to the other side of the world to tell Yuri how much he loved him, part of him expected to be told to fuck off — that he had screwed things up too much for Yuri to ever forgive him. Instead, Yuri had pulled him in close, confessing that he would always love him. That he would be there for JJ no matter what, in whatever way JJ needed.So what is he supposed to do with that?As JJ and Yuri try to move forward with their new relationship they soon discover how much JJ's trauma from the past year still haunts him, and how hard it is for JJ to trust Yuri's commitment to him when Isabella wasn't able to stick by his side.Will JJ be able to put the demons brought up by his stalker to rest once and for all, or will his past tear Yuri and him apart?***





	1. Prologue: The Gift

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I just couldn't stop JJ's and Yuri's story at the end of [LOVEFOOLS](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13600695/chapters/31222497). JJ's voice in my head was just too loud, and he wanted to have his say as well.
> 
> So, the story continues...
> 
> ***

_Immediately following the[Instagram Livestream](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13600695/chapters/35612469)_

Yuri. 

Yuri did this. 

It was obvious his hand was in all of it. And here was the final proof, in the picture frame that lay in my lap.

I stared down at it through blurry eyes. I couldn't seem to stop the rush of tears that kept falling uncontrollably. The gold medal — _Yuri's Plisetsky's fucking first Grand Prix Final gold medal_ — pinned inside looked up at me, glinting in the daylight streaming through the small window in my bathroom, and it was if Yuri's emerald eyes were staring right back at me, crashing through the last of my defenses that I had tried to keep in place.

I tried not to blink, afraid that if I did the frame in my hand would dissolve and I’d lose that last piece of him. So instead I sat and cried, ugly sobs shaking through me. 

This last year had been such hell, I wished I could just forget it. Completely black everything out of my mind. Except for Yuri. Yuri was the one luminous, bright, glowing ember in my otherwise fucked up life right now. 

I didn't understand what I'd done wrong to encourage that crazy woman to become my own personal nightmare. I tried being nice. I tried being a jerk. I tried ignoring her. But nothing worked. She was always there — even when she wasn't. I couldn't get rid of her and I was just so fucking tired of it all. Even now, when she was in jail, I couldn't shake the feeling that she was still leering in the background, watching my every move.

When Victor approached me about doing the charity to help stalking victims I cringed inside. Was _that_ what I was now? A victim?

I hated that that's how everyone saw me. Weak. I had to pull my shit together and show everyone that I could still be me, that I still had my _JJ Style_. But it made me sick to think about and I could taste the sharp metal of bile in my mouth.

I _was_ surprised by all the fan responses. I hadn't expected that and it was touching. Staying away from social media was how I tried to stay sane these last few months, but I could see that I had to enter back into that arena again. _King JJ_ doesn't hide after all.

The darkness was crushing though. I could barely breathe underneath it. Yuri was the only bright spec that I could look to. I craved his light, yet I knew it was something I could never have no matter how much my heart wanted it. All I could do was ignore that craving for him. 

At least that’s what I’d been trying to do. Of course, it was Yuri and he wouldn’t be ignored. That evidence practically shouting up at me. How could he still be there for me? Why would he do all of this? For the life of me, I couldn't fathom what the hell he saw in me that made me worth all this effort.

The knock on the door startled me. Without waiting for my answer the knob turned, but I knew that my sister Lou would come in no matter what I answered. When I looked over though I surprised at the person who entered. It wasn’t Lou. 

Beka came and sat next to me on the edge of the tub where I was perched. 

“Everyone’s gone now. Your sister scared them all away,” he chuckled a bit. I nodded, and sniffed back my tears, grabbing some toilet paper to blow my nose and wipe up my face. 

He took the frame out of my hands, a slight frown on his face, and muttered, “I can’t believe he gave you _this_ medal.”

I exhaled a deep breath and shook my head, just as much in disbelief as he was. “I don’t deserve it,” I said quietly, looking over his shoulder at the frame.

“No, you don’t,” Beka’s voice didn’t hold any animosity, but his words made me wince. 

He was completely right. I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve Yuri. I thought of the last time I saw him. I hadn’t even been completely cognizant at the time. All I knew was that he was the only one who could pull me out of the pit I was sinking in. I don’t even remember calling him. The only thing I remembered was feeling his arms tight around me, his brilliant green eyes filling my vision when all else was a blur. 

Then, it was like that angelic force was ripped away from me. Even though I couldn’t be with him, I always felt like Yuri was my guardian angel from afar. I just had to think of him there, in my city, his presence permeating everything, keeping me from losing myself completely to the abyss that was always one breath away from swallowing me whole.

Of course, he had to go back to Russia — though I'm sure he didn't realize he was taking my mangled, bloody mess of a heart with him. I couldn’t even pretend with Izzy anymore after that. All I could do was stare at the black hole in my chest. 

Absentmindedly, I rubbed at my chest. Beka noticed. “You know, Yuri didn’t do this because you deserved it.” I knew he was referring to more than the medal.

Handing me back the frame, he flipped it over. In the corner was tucked a small but thick envelope. The surprise must have been evident in my face because he gave a small grunt and nodded. 

“He did this because he loves you.” Standing, Beka turned to leave. But before opening the door he turned back, his face solemn. “Do better than I did, Jean. Don’t let him go.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to stick to Kubo's world, where no matter the country, no matter the gender, ALL love is accepted, embraced, and treated with the respect and normalcy it deserves. So, while my heart breaks that Russia right now is not tolerant of LBGTQ+ love, let's have hope and model what should be a completely normal thing!


	2. Storm Clouds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _When I entered the rink Yuri was with Victor in the middle of the ice, nodding at whatever instructions Victor seemed to be giving him, but upon seeing me turned his head and beamed a smile so bright at me my heart skipped like a teenage boy in love. Criss, I had it bad._
> 
>  
> 
> _I was a little early to pick Yuri up at the rink, having finished with my errands quicker than expected. That just meant more time to watch Yuri train. He was such an angel on the ice. Of course, he was also the fierce Ice Tiger of Russia, making sure we all knew that fact every time he did an exhibition skate. He oozed more and more sex appeal each passing year with those exhibitions. And now by some miracle, both the angel and the sex god were now mine._
> 
>  
> 
> ***

Walking down the hall I could feel my skin prickle the closer I got to the door. The pit in my stomach told me something wasn’t right. I wanted to turn around and run but something was behind me. I couldn't see what it was but I could feel its dark, heavy presence. The whisper of a breath. Cold tendrils of fingers hovering over my skin. It inched closer and my heart sped up.

The door neared, almost pulled towards me, more than me moving closer to it. I didn't want to enter it, but it swung wide open despite my fear. Or almost because of it. Bright music poured out, fast and hectic, a swirl of lights pulsing in and out with a cacophony of drums in a harsh syncopated rhythm. The music should have been joyful and happy, but instead it grated on my nerves, too loud and too fast.

Suddenly I was there in the middle of a dance floor surrounded by dancers, skirts twirling, feet stomping. It was making me dizzy until a hand grabbed mine. Turning around I saw Yuri and I relaxed, smiling at him. He didn’t return my smile, but instead pulled me to leave the dance floor which became increasingly difficult as the crowd got denser the closer we got to the edge. 

Then someone yelled ‘Fire!’ and it became complete chaos. The room became blurry and cold, and I couldn't see through the water now streaming down my face. Looking up I saw fire sprinklers raining down on the crowd. Or was it rain clouds? 

Wet bodies pressed in, everyone shoving their way to the exit, though I had no idea where it was. If I could just hold onto Yuri’s hand, I knew he would lead me to safety. He was so far ahead of me though — I couldn’t see him anymore, his body lost in the crowd, our arms stretched to the max, his firm grip on my hand my only point of contact.

Up ahead I could finally see it, the way out. A green exit sign was the only light glowing through the darkness. But it was more than darkness. I could feel it again. That cold presence filling the room, like storm clouds that build and grow ominous in the sky, swallowing up all light and energy in their path. 

I was completely soaked, blinking against the water in my face, and it was getting harder and harder to keep a hold of Yuri, our hands wet and slick. In trying to grip his hand tighter it shot from my grasp and I lost contact. Scanning the crowd I desperately tried to locate him. Yelling out, my voice was lost in the noise around me, making my attempts completely useless. I continued to yell for him though, until my voice was hoarse and raw, my shouts only coming out as dry gasps. 

Before I could find Yuri the cloud overtook me and I couldn’t see anything anymore. The panicked crowd's shouts were drowned out, replaced by a sharp screeching, the sound of glass and metal scraping and shattering. 

Huddling down and throwing my hands around my head I prayed that the cloud would just pass over me. Instead, the pressure increased, slow and smothering, making it harder and harder to breathe. The screeching only grew louder until I could feel my insides shake. Screaming back against the sound I felt like my head was going to explode from the pressure building there inside and out.

Then a light replaced the darkness, but with its appearance came a sharp pain behind my eyes. The light grew until it was so bright I couldn’t move at all and I could feel the contents of my stomach coming up. 

My eyes flew open and I threw up all over my bed.

It was a good long minute before I stopped heaving and shaking. Drenched in sweat, chills running along my skin, I took several steadying breaths as I tried to recover from the dream. 

That one was particularly bad. It was just so vivid. Usually, it was just an eerie feeling that was always on the edge of my sleep. And Yuri hadn’t made an appearance before. Not that I was one to psychoanalyze my dreams, but I still could feel his hand slip away from mine and my heart continued to beat fast and hard at the fear of losing him in the crowd.

My stomach roiled again, so I continued to take measured breaths and tried not to move too much in the bed. Blinking against the harsh sunlight flooding the hotel room, it took several minutes before the everything became more than an awful blur. 

Eventually, the fog cleared and I could see well enough to make out the shapes of the furniture crowding the room. Intricately scrolled woodwork with a gold inlay on the mahogany desk came into focus first, followed by the leather armchair in the corner by the floor to ceiling windows. 

Most of my clothes from yesterday were thrown in a pile on the seat, and I was irked at myself that I hadn't hung them up as I should've last night. I’d also forgotten to close the blackout drapes, so the windows were only covered by the sheer linen curtains, the only filter between me and the bright morning sun. 

The large matching mahogany dresser across from the bed with the same scrolled pattern as the desk was the last to come into focus, flat screen TV perched on top, my wallet, phone and room key scattered next to it.

The dark painted walls of the room helped tamper the glow of the harsh sunlight, but they made the room feel smaller than it was. It felt too cramped with its oversized, ornate furniture. I preferred more open and airy rooms, but when you take a last-minute trip across the globe to confess your love to someone, beggars can't be choosers. I'd been meaning to move to another hotel, one I could relax a bit more in, but I also didn't want to take away from my time with Yuri to bother finding another room someplace else.

The coldness of the wet bedding was really starting to become uncomfortable. The sheets were twisted and wrapped tightly around my legs and torso, and everything was covered in puke. Though it was pretty pointless to try to maneuver around it, I did the best I could, finally untangling myself. I was still a little dizzy on standing, so slowly made my way to the bathroom to piss and clean up.

My head was still pounding and I pressed the palm of my hand to my left eye to try to dull the pain as I fumbled with the bottle of migraine pills my doctor had given me. I only had a few left even though I'd just gotten the prescription the day before I came to Saint Petersburg a week ago. They didn’t really help, but they were better than nothing. Thankfully housekeeping had restocked the mini fridge last night while I was out with Yuri. Opening it up I grabbed a couple of the small bottles of Jack. Not my whiskey preference if I was out with friends, but right now I didn’t care.

Turning on the shower, I downed the bottles quickly and went back into the room with a towel to scrub up the vomit that was splattered on the carpet as best as I could while I waited for the water to heat up. 

After a hot shower I felt more awake, the headache finally relegated to just a constant dull pain in the background. But I could deal with that. 

Luckily I wasn’t meeting with Yuri until noon, after his training with Victor. That gave me a bit more time to get myself together. I stripped the bed and balled up the bedding. Then I wiped down the bathroom and gathered all the towels that needed changing. Opening up the ironing board I took my crumpled jeans and button down shirt from the chair and ironed them before hanging them back in the closet. With the room and myself cleaner, I started to feel calmer, the nightmare now growing distant in my mind.

Picking out an outfit took some time. Today was special and I couldn’t just take Yuri out in a plain old t-shirt and jeans. Taking several pieces and laying them on the bed I debated for a bit, thinking of what I had planned. The weather had turned cooler, storm clouds already rolling in and blocking out the morning sun, so I opted for the long-sleeved burgundy button down, black chinos, and black leather boots.

Twenty minutes later, now freshly shaved, hair styled, and dressed, I gave the outfit another once-over in the full-length mirror. The pants were slipping a little, so I pulled my belt to the next notch. It was the last on the belt. Normally, I had two before the end. My button-down hung a little at the sides, not as fitted as it used to be, but I tucked the front in nice French tuck and that disguised the loose fit. Rolling the sleeves up to my elbows only made my arms seem thinner than they used to be, so I unrolled them until they hung just over my wrists. 

It wasn’t perfect but it worked. I slipped on my black leather ankle boots then stood, shaking my arms out, trying to relax. It didn't help as the butterflies in my stomach were fluttering like mad.

How could I still be nervous going to see Yuri? I’d been here for a week and seen him every day. And every day I was just as nervous. Taking a few deep breaths and rolling my neck, I attempted to loosen up. _JJ Style,_ Jean-Jacques. _JJ Style._ I just had to focus on that and I would be okay.

Going through my mental checklist of what I needed to finish before I went to the rink to pick Yuri up, I slipped on my black hooded jacket. I couldn’t help smiling to myself thinking about Yuri's reaction to what I had planned.

We’d spent this last week visiting about every historic building and museum that Yuri could find. He excitedly played tour guide. Even though I’d been to Saint Petersburg here and there over the years for competitions, I’d never really visited the city for pleasure. Not that I really cared about all the boring historical stuff — but seeing Yuri’s enthusiasm for his home filled my heart with joy. I’d never seen him light up so much as he did holding my hand, pulling me from building to building, spilling out fact after fact. 

But today was different. Yuri probably didn't realize it, but it marked four months since we'd had that first dance at the salsa club. Did people celebrate _four-months-since-you-changed-my-life-forever_ anniversaries? Probably not, but I didn't care. It was important to us. Well, to me at least. I hoped it was for him, too.

I’d told Yuri _I_ wanted to be in charge of our activities for the afternoon. It also happened to be his one day without having a lesson with Lilia or teaching the kids over Skype, so other than his time with Victor I’d have the entire rest of the day with him. I did a little research and found a couple of hidden gems of my own I was excited to show him.

Fluffing the pillows and putting a few extra bills on the desk for housekeeping, I grabbed the bag I had packed, and my wallet and phone. I hadn’t checked it for messages yet. There were a few from Yuri, which I read about a half a dozen times, relishing each _‘thinking about you, baby,’ ‘can’t wait to have you all to myself this afternoon,’_ and _‘hurry up and save me, I think Victor’s trying to kill me with these new drills.’_ I almost didn't see that I also had a missed call and voicemail.

Seeing the name ‘Logan Martel’ on my screen was like throwing a wet blanket on my good mood. Instantly, my mind brought up an image I couldn’t seem to banish — Yuri and he standing close together, talking in that quiet, intimate way. Then the detective pulling Yuri in a tight embrace, Yuri’s head buried on his shoulder. I knew I shouldn’t be jealous. Yuri had assured me several times that the man was just a friend and was as straight as straight men got, with absolutely no romantic intention whatsoever. But, the way Yuri had turned to him for comfort… 

I slammed my finger on the screen to dial voicemail, gritting my teeth as I heard Martel's soft voice. 

_‘Hi JJ, this is Logan Martel, the detective over your case against Ms. Grenier, calling again. Yuri told me you are in Saint Petersburg with him right now, but I do need to talk to you. The trial is coming up soon and I just want to clarify a few things. I’m sorry to bother you on your vacation, but it’s important. Please call me back — don’t worry about the time difference.’_

His voice continued to prattle on from my phone on the floor, but I couldn't be bothered with it just now, as I was too busy throwing up again on my way to the bathroom.

* * *

When I entered the rink Yuri was with Victor in the middle of the ice, nodding at whatever instructions Victor seemed to be giving him, but the instant he saw me he turned his head and beamed a smile so bright my heart skipped like a teenage boy crushing over his first love. _Criss,_ I had it bad. 

Victor noticed that Yuri had stopped paying attention and turned around as well, the two of them watching me make my way over to the boards. Yuri waved but Victor’s face was completely passive. Although he and I had worked together on the charity we’d started up, and although one of his gold medals hung on the wall of my bedroom back in Montreal, I still couldn’t quite read him — especially when it came to how he felt about me dating Yuri now. 

I waved back at Yuri and gave him a wink. He blushed. Then, realizing he was blushing, turned even redder. I couldn’t help the laugh that came out. He flipped me off and turned his attention back to Victor, purposely positioning himself so he couldn’t look at me. Laughing out again I draped my arms over the sideboards, settling in to wait for them to finish. 

Despite my rough morning, I was actually a little early, having finished with my errands quicker than expected. That meant more time to watch Yuri train. I absolutely loved watching Yuri skate. I’d been enamored with his skating since he made his Senior Debut back when he’d turned fifteen. He was such an angel on the ice. Of course, he was also the fierce _Ice Tiger of Russia_ — a point he made sure to drive home every time he did an exhibition skate. He oozed more and more sex appeal each passing year with those exhibitions. And now by some miracle, both the angel and the sex god were now mine. 

Yuri glided across the ice and I could tell there was something new in his skating style. The step sequence he was working on was seamless. It didn’t have any of the choppiness that often accompanied complicated step sequences like that. It melted together like honey. Or, more like hot molten lava. There was such a strong new energy to it. 

_Merde,_ he was really stepping it up this season. I knew I should be intimidated, but instead I was completely mesmerized and just let myself ogle him like the lovesick boyfriend I was, instead of a fellow competitor. I could watch Yuri skate all day, every day, for the rest of my life. 

_The rest of my life._

That thought hit me like a ton of bricks. I had barely gotten Yuri to give me a second chance. Was it tempting fate to dare hope for him to want to be with me for as long as _‘the rest of our lives’_? I mean, yes, that’s what I wanted, what I yearned for. To grow old with him. But it seemed like such an impossible dream, so far away. Even being with him now seemed unreal, though I wasn’t going to look the gift horse in the mouth. I would take every second he would give me.

He continued to sail around the ice and I couldn’t take my gaze off him. Passing in front of me Yuri caught my eye and threw me a jaunty smirk and wink over his shoulder as he picked up his pace, quickly building up speed before launching into a quad-triple combo, executing it perfectly before finishing with a beautiful camel spin, his long limbs stretched to show off his elegant lines. 

My heart skipped again. Yuri had only grown more beautiful as he got older. Taller now, he was still lean, but his muscles now filled out his tight black workout shirt and black compression leggings. It only proved to make him stronger. And more sensuous. 

Finishing up, he skated quickly over to me. Before I could hand him a towel and his skate guards he planted a quick but sexy kiss on my lips, sweeping around my mouth once with his tongue. 

“I’m _so_ going to kick your ass this season,” his eyes sparkled with mirth.

Holding onto my shoulder for balance, he wiped off his skates before slipping on his skate guards, still panting a bit from exertion. His long hair was braided back, though several strands had fallen out and were dripping with sweat and clinging to his face and neck. He gave his face a quick swipe with the towel, then threw it around my neck. With his skates and guards on he was as tall as me and only had to pull me forward to give me another kiss, softer and slower this time.

“You looked amazing out there today,” I said once we parted, trying not to stare too much at the brightness in his eyes and flush on his face.

“You spying on me, Leroy?” There was fire in his eyes at his teasing tone. I knew he was just joking around, but the name startled me. He hadn’t called me that since we competed against each other last year, and it grated on me now. 

The feelings from this morning’s dream rushed in — the fear I felt at losing Yuri in that crowd, the darkness that pressed in at his absence. Looking down at his skates, toe-to-toe with my feet, I couldn’t seem to come up with any quippy retort to meet his teasing. I just needed _my_ Yuri here with me right now, not the smack-talking competitor. 

My voice lowered and I mumbled, “No… I just was watching… plus it wouldn’t matter if I was. I mean… you’re going to kill it this season.” 

Closing my eyes for a moment to recover from that bumbling mess, I felt the heat from Yuri's body as he stepped closer, the fabric of his gloved hand cupping my face. 

“Hey, you okay?” 

“Of course,” I automatically responded. I opened my eyes to meet his green ones and tried to shake myself out of my melancholy, giving him a small smile. “I’m good.”

Concern furrowed his brows as he stroked my cheek with his thumb. “You’re going to have an amazing season too, baby. I know it.” 

I didn’t say anything. The thought of going back home to train was not something I was looking forward to and not something I wanted to think about right now.

“Are you sure you’re okay in that hotel? You look pretty tired. I told you, you can always stay with me.”

Grabbing his hand, I gave his knuckles a quick kiss. “I’m fine. Really.” 

I didn’t want him worrying about me. _JJ Style,_ Jean-Jacques. Come on, _JJ Style._

Brushing my nose against his I waggled my eyebrows at him. “And are you saying I don’t look good today?”

He laughed then. “Not in the least. You look hot, like always,” he smacked my chest lightly, then thumbed my shirt. “This is nice. Green brings out your eyes.” 

I thanked god that my new outfit choice worked. I’d thrown it on right as I’d run out of the room after cleaning myself up again.

Leaning in he whispered in my ear, “And these jeans hug your ass just right.”

Now it was my turn to cuff him lightly back. “You haven’t even seen my ass in these jeans yet.”

Turning me slightly so he could peek over my shoulder he said, “Mmm, I wasn’t wrong.”

I laughed and leaned in for another kiss. He smiled back, closing his eyes and tilting his head expectantly. Before our lips could meet Victor cleared his throat as he exited the ice. I automatically straightened. Victor came over and shook my hand as he did every time he saw me this past week. 

“JJ.” 

“Victor.”

Yuri turned back to Victor, towel now draped over his own neck, holding my waist loosely with one arm. I don’t know why, but the fact that he didn’t break physical contact with me despite Victor’s assessing look made me realize, once again, that this was real. I was really with _Yuri Plisetsky._ And he was making it very clear that he wanted to be with me as well.

“Alright Vitya, are you going to ask him or do I have to?”

The smile Victor gave Yuri surprised me. Last season Victor had officially become Yuri’s coach, but it was obvious to everyone it was an awkward fit. Yuri and he bickered constantly, usually ending with a red-faced Yuri and an exasperated-looking Victor. Even when Yuri won a competition, Victor never seemed to be overly pleased. He was definitely not the gushing coach with Yuri that he’d been with his husband, Yuuri Katsuki. 

But now, the look Victor turned on Yuri was soft and warm. Not like how he would look at Katsuki, but more… _fatherly_. There was softness in the look, but there was pride as well.

Yuri’s look back surprised me even more. He hadn’t raised his voice or rolled his eyes once at Victor. In fact, his look, his tone — it was full of _respect._

The new skating style, this new dynamic with Victor — there were some new things, different things, going on with Yuri and I wasn’t sure what to make of them all.

Chuckling quietly, Victor put on his skate guards and turned to head to the locker room. “I’ll let you make the invitation, Yura.”

We followed behind Victor slowly, Yuri squeezing in as close as he could get with my arm holding him around his shoulders. The height from his skates prevented him from tucking under my arm like he usually did. However, that height put him right in line to simply turn his head and plant an open-mouthed kiss on my cheek.

“Victor and Yuuri want to have us over for dinner tomorrow night. The official ‘meet the parents’ I guess.” Yuri rolled his eyes then, but he couldn’t hide his smile as he said that. Kissing my cheek again he kept his lips there as he said, “Not like they haven’t known you for years.” 

“Well, they haven’t known me as your boyfriend, so I think it’s different, Yuré.”

“Hmm,” he purred as we walked over to his locker. Instead of opening it though, he turned and leaned back against it, pulling me forward, tightening his arms around my waist. “I like hearing you call me that. Come here and kiss me, _boyfriend_.”

Grinning, I couldn’t help but obey and closed the last inch between us to meet his lips, my hands sliding up to the sides of his neck. Kissing Yuri was a dream, unlike anything I’d experienced before. Sweetness and fire. Passion and innocence. That was how Yuri kissed. I’d fallen for his kisses the moment he shocked me by kissing me in front of Izzy. I still couldn’t believe he did that. And he didn’t just kiss me. He _kissed_ me. His tongue and mine seemed to instantly sync and his mouth was the only thing that filled my mind. For the first time in a long time I had forgotten my pain, fully consumed by that moment with him. 

It was the same now. I was melting, completely lost in his kiss. Lost in his hands as they ran over my chest, my shoulders, up behind my neck into my hair, not staying in one place too long, seeming to touch everywhere at once. Lost in his hungry mouth moving all over mine, lips sucking, teeth nipping, the tip of his tongue running along the edge of my lips, dipping in my mouth every so often.

My body temperature went from normal to overheated in a manner of seconds. I chased his movements, my own tongue licking after his until I grunted in minor frustration and gripped his hair to hold him still so I could deepen the kiss. Yuri pressed himself against me and opened his mouth in response. Then, he breathed out a sultry little moan. It was so sexy, but for some reason it made me nauseous, my palms instantly clammy. I needed air and quickly pulled back. Yuri’s lips tried to stay attached to mine as long as they could, his head craning forward chasing the kiss.

“No-o-o,” he pouted. “That wasn’t enough.”

Still a little breathless, I tried to play off whatever the hell _that_ was. “I don't want Victor walking in on us. Besides, you stink,” I teased, kissing his nose and stepping out of his arms. “Go shower.”

“Cocktease.” But Yuri turned and proceeded to get his things out of his locker, then sat to unlace his skates. Handing them to me, I gave them a more thorough wiping before putting them away for him. 

Standing and stripping his shirt off he gave me a seductive look over his shoulder. “You can always join me.”

I could feel myself heat at the invitation — and at seeing him shirtless. I tried not to gawk, but Yuri had gotten more cut since I’d last seen him sans clothes. The muscles were sharper and there seemed to be more of them, filling in all the places that still had any softness to them. He was like a sinewy cat, lethal and beautiful. 

Taking his sweaty shirt from him I threw it in his laundry bag, scrunching my nose at the stench. “I already smell amazing, thank you very much.”

“Fuck yeah, you do,” he stepped close, taking a deep inhale, nipping my neck lightly before stepping away again. The move was so quick I didn't have time to react — except with a wave of dizziness that washed over me just as quickly.

Yuri then began removing his workout leggings. I immediately turned away. “I’ll see you outside. I have to make a few calls.”

He chuckled. “You've seen me naked before, Jeh. You don't have to leave.” 

I could tell by the rustle of fabric that he was sliding the leggings down his lean legs. Then his hand gripped my shoulder from behind, holding me for balance again as I heard him kick off the last of his clothing. 

Suddenly cold, my heart began racing, the walls starting to close in. I really couldn’t handle seeing him naked right now. Voice tight, I managed to get out, “It’s alright, I’ll just be outside. I can get more bars out there anyway.” 

“Jeh —”

Before he could say anything more, I quickly walked out of the locker room. It took everything in me not to break into a run, though my strides got longer and faster the closer I got to the front of the building. Finally pushing open the doors, I gasped for breath once I made it outside.

Bent over, hands braced on my knees, it took several minutes for the panic to pass. 

Once I was able to think straight I went and collapsed on a bench next to the building. 

What the _fucking hell_? 

Running my hands over my face I tried to make sense of what just happened, but I came up empty. First this morning’s dream and now panicking in the locker room? What the hell was going on with me?

Though I didn't really need to make any phone calls, there was one I could make.

“Jean, I’m in the middle of a shoot, so make it quick,” my sister Lou picked up before the phone had even finished ringing, practically shouting over the noise in the background. 

A much sought-after stylist, it was rare I wasn’t interrupting some photo or video shoot she was on. But I didn’t care. For all her toughness I knew that my big sister would be there for me no matter what and right now I just needed to hear her voice, sharp and annoyed-sounding though it may be at the moment. 

Smiling to myself, I drawled out, “H-e-l-l-l-o-o-o, L-o-o-u-i-s-s-s-e.”

“Stop being such a shit, _espèce d’idiot._ ” But she laughed. “So, how’s _mon cher_ Yuri? Wait, let me guess. Beautiful, wonderful, amazing —”

Hearing her ask about Yuri drained away any of my playful banter. “Lou…” my voice cracked. 

“Oh, Jean,” instantly her tone softened and I could tell she was moving away from the commotion of the shoot, the noise in the background receding. “What’s wrong, _mon petit frère_?”

Sniffing, a couple of tears trickled down my cheek. Lou hadn’t called me that since I was a teen. “Just a rough morning, _soeur ainée_.”

“Migraines still bothering you?”

“Yeah, they’re getting pretty bad. Do you think you can get me some more medicine? I’m almost out.”

“But didn't you just get another refill? Wasn't that supposed to last you a month?”

“I woke myself up by puking my guts out this morning, Lou.”

She let out a large sigh, “Okay. I’ll see what I can do, but you should see the doctor again when you get back.”

“Yes, _maman,_ ” I groaned, rolling my eyes.

“Don't you roll your eyes at me.” 

“How did you —” 

“Sisters just know,” she said confidently. Then after a moment, “So, the doctor, Jean.” 

“Yes, yes. I know.” 

Silence lengthened for another moment. 

“What else?” Lou prodded.

I knew I’d be a bawling mess if I told her any more. I was trying to pull myself together not let myself fall apart.

“I’m fine.”

“ _Jean_.”

“I just needed a little pick-me-up, Lou. I’m all good.” I heard the door to the building open and Yuri’s voice calling out my name. “Yuri’s coming. I’ll call you later.”

“Alright. _Au revoir, mon chou_.”

“Jeh!” Yuri called out again, then seeing me sitting off to the side, hurried over.

His hair was still wet from his shower, piled on top of his head in a wildly messy bun. Wearing white ripped jeans, black and red mid-top sneakers, and a tiger-print hoodie under his black leather jacket, he looked effortlessly gorgeous even though I could tell he’d just thrown his clothes on.

Yuri sat down on the bench but kept a little space between us. His eyes darted to mine before quickly looking away again as he bit his lip and gripped the seat. _Uh-oh._

“I think we need to talk,” he fidgeted and kept his eyes fixed on the ground.

Yeah, this wasn’t good.

Sighing, he started, “It’s just that…” then he bit his lip again.

I could already tell where this was going and my stomach dropped. _“It’s just that this isn’t going to work out…” “It’s just that this was a mistake…” “It’s just that you’re too damaged…”_

“It’s just that… well, I can tell I made you uncomfortable earlier, and I’m really sorry Jeh. I never should have gotten undressed in front of you like that. It was inappropriate. I mean, it seems like you want to take things slow, sex-wise — which is _completely_ fine — so I shouldn’t have come onto you like that.” 

Wait, he _wasn't_ breaking up with me?

“I just want you to know that I’m totally okay with taking our time. I’m not going anywhere. Whatever you need is perfectly alright —”

I grabbed Yuri’s face and gave him a big, open-mouthed kiss — both to stop him from taking the blame for my fucked-up mental state, but more so because I was beyond relieved. A surprised gasp escaped his mouth, his hands landing on my thighs to keep his balance as I pulled him tight against me, pressing my mouth firmer over his.

Yuri thought I didn’t want to have sex with him? I laughed inside at such a ridiculous idea. It’s true that we hadn’t had sex again. But not because I didn’t want it. _Criss_ , I wanted him so badly I could barely see straight sometimes. Just the memory of what sex with Yuri was like made my dick twitch and my stomach explode with butterflies. Mind-blowing was probably too mild a word for it. Of course, that was before… well, before I acted like a total bonehead and royally screwed things up. 

I was trying to make up for that now. However, my brilliant plan to show up in Saint Petersburg like a damn knight in shining armor and sweep Yuri off his feet was closer to resembling me showing up on some shabby old donkey, wearing tattered rags, barely making down the street before both the donkey and I collapsed from exhaustion. 

As for having sex again? It just hadn't quite happened yet. The night I showed up at the dance studio to tell Yuri how much I loved him had ended on such a beautiful, tender note, that when Yuri offered to for me to stay with him I pushed it off, not wanting to ruin the moment. Plus, I wasn’t one-hundred percent sure if that offer was actually an offer to share his bed — not just crash on his couch. But either way, it wasn’t something I wanted to really think about at the time. Not when the unexpected happened and he had accepted me back into his arms, into his life. 

And even though each night after that he would renew his offer to stay with him, I couldn't quite make it through his door, opting to simply enjoy passionate goodnight kisses before heading back to my hotel. 

I don’t know. The timing just never seemed right, and something like this — it needed to be perfect. 

Finally releasing the kiss, I smoothed the few stray hairs that had fallen from Yuri's bun out of his face as he blinked up at me, mouth slightly agape. 

Licking his lips and swallowing, his voice came out a little breathless. “Jeh?”

I looked into those bright green eyes, wanting to make sure he understood me clearly. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Yuré. _Nothing._ It was just…” How could I explain what I didn’t even understand myself? “Well, you’re just… very tempting.”

Color flooded his cheeks and ears, and he smiled at me shyly. _Criss._ Tempting indeed.

Then I took his hands in mine and sighed, “And I don’t want our next time to be someplace like the men’s locker room. I want it to be special. Like you.”

In the distance, the storm clouds broke a little and I could see a sliver of blue sky. At the same time, the color of Yuri's eyes seemed to shift, looking less like bright green jewels and more like moss or cool grass. 

Bending down, he brushed his lips lightly over my knuckles and scattered a few kisses on them before tucking my hands under his chin, gazing at me softly.

“Jeh, it _will_ be special, no matter what. Because it’s you.”

What on God's green earth did I do to deserve you, Yuri Plisetsky? 

“Come on,” I stood and held my hand out to him. “I think you're going to love this place I'm taking you.”

“And where is that exactly?“ he asked, quirking an eyebrow and placing his hand in mine.

I waggled my eyebrows back at him as I dialed my phone for a cab. “Oh, you'll see.“

He just shook his head and laughed before tucking himself under my arm while we waited. I might never fully understand Yuri's love for me, but I was going to make damn sure I did everything I could to show him how much I loved him in return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First "real" chapter up and we're off to the races! What do you think? **_Your comments really do encourage me so much, and I love hearing what you think of the chapter!_** Where do you think this will go? How do you think JJ and Yuri are doing as they start dating?
> 
> I'm on a long work-trip this next week, but I'm still planning on having the next chapter up next week. Might be Saturday instead of Friday though! XD
> 
> French translations:  
>  _Cris_ s = Christ  
>  _merde_ = shit  
>  _espèce d’idiot_ = you idiot  
>  _mon cher_ = my dear (e.g. Lou asks, “How is my dear Yuri?”)  
>  _mon petit frère_ = my baby brother (my little brother)  
>  _soeur ainée_ = in essence, “big sis” (oldest sibling)  
>  _mon chou_ = sweetie (literally, “my cabbage”)  
>  _maman_ = mom (informal)
> 
> And you can always find me on [tumblr](https://suzewrites.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/suzewrites) @suzewrites for both.


	3. Hounded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Are you JJ Leroy?”_  
>   
>  _“He sure is,” Yuri grinned, throwing his arms around my waist. “JJ Girl?” The woman turned red and nodded, so Yuri responded with a wink, “Me too.”_  
>   
>  _“So, was that song you posted on YouTube about Yuri?”_  
>   
>  _I forgot how nosy fans could be and was taken aback. Thing is, questions like this never used to bother me at all. Most of my interactions with the JJ Girls had been fun and I always enjoyed them — until that crazy bitch had gone postal on me. I felt dizzy as I stood there staring blankly at the woman, wishing she would disappear so that I could just go out with my boyfriend without being hounded by fans._  
>   
>  ***

The look on Yuri’s face as the cab pulled up to the place I’d chosen for us to visit was forever going to be imprinted on my mind. It was pure delight. 

“Are you _fucking_ kidding me?” Yuri wiggled his fingers anxiously, waiting to grab my hand as I got out of the cab, then as soon as our hands connected he was pulling me forward through the doors of the Russian Vodka Museum. 

“How the fuck did I not know this place was here!” he exclaimed excitedly. 

Inside there were already several people waiting for the tour. A small group of retirees chatted amongst themselves in what sounded like Portuguese. A couple of younger women were off to the side taking selfies and giggling to themselves. I guessed they were either American or Canadian. And an older Russian woman who looked to be the proprietor was looking stonily at the group, though I couldn’t tell if she disapproved of the tourists or if that was just her typical resting face.

“It’s kind of touristy, I know,” I rubbed the back of my head, thinking perhaps this was a dumb idea after all, as Yuri was the only native Russian in the bunch. “We can leave and go someplace else if you want.” 

“No way, Jeh! This is so fucking fantastic,” Yuri laughed out. Whipping out his phone he pulled me close. “Here, we definitely need to document this.”

Yuri took a few photos of us. His enthusiasm was contagious and I smiled brightly. I actually looked pretty happy in the photos. Well, I had Yuri with me and we were finally together. Of course I was happy. After a moment, one of the young women offered to take our picture for us and Yuri made sure to make the most of it, kissing me on the cheek when the pictures were snapped. 

As she handed Yuri back his phone she shyly asked me, “Are you JJ Leroy?”

“He sure is,” Yuri grinned, throwing his arms around my waist. “JJ Girl?” The woman turned red and nodded, so Yuri responded with a wink, “Me too.”

“And you’re Yuri Plisetsky, aren’t you?” the other woman came over, giggling as she said it, and blushing just as furiously. Yuri affirmed he was and the women asked us to take some pictures with them. 

One of the Portuguese tourists helped take the picture as Yuri encouraged us all to give our best _JJ Style_ pose. We took a couple of shots with each of our phones, the women barely able to contain their excitement.

Right as the Russian woman began clapping her hands to start gathering us for the tour, the first woman asked me point blank, “So, was that song you posted on YouTube about Yuri?”

I forgot how nosy fans could be and was taken aback. Thing is, questions like this never used to bother me at all. Fans were always prying for personal stuff — asking about when Izzy and I were going to finally get married, or if the rumors that she was pregnant were true, or all sorts of other crazy things. Usually, I’d play coy, not giving a definitive answer one way or another. Well, except about Izzy being pregnant. I squelched that one pretty quickly.

Most of my interactions with the JJ Girls had been fun and I always enjoyed them — until that one crazy bitch had gone postal on me. Following me everywhere, sneaking into the locker room, or my dressing room when I played a show. It didn’t matter how many times security dragged her away or how many places she was blacklisted from, she’d only grown more aggressive until I’d finally put the restraining order out. And even then, she’d found other ways to harass me. Worse ways.

I felt dizzy as I stood there staring blankly at the woman, wishing she would disappear so that I could just go out with my boyfriend without being hounded by fans.

Yuri stepped in, “I’m sorry, but that’s private.”

“No, it’s not,” she retorted, now a little snappish at being denied her answer. “He posted it on YouTube. If he wanted it to be private he shouldn’t have posted it there for the entire world to see.”

I could see that she wasn’t going to let this go. Yuri’s face started to get red but he didn’t yell back at her like I expected. Instead, he lowered his voice and spoke in an even, albeit firm tone. “He posted the _song_ on YouTube, that’s what musicians do. He purposely left the details out —”

“Yes,” I said, interrupting their argument.

Both women and Yuri turned to me. I took Yuri’s hand and brought it to my lips, looking right into his beautiful eyes. “That song was absolutely about Yuri. Because I will always love him. Always.”

Screw it. Screw the fans and their questions. It had taken Yuri and me so long to get here I didn’t want to be disingenuous about our relationship. 

Though he seemed a bit shocked by my declaration, Yuri looked back at me with such love it stole my breath for a moment. I forgot the women were even there as I leaned in for a soft kiss. It didn’t matter how many times I kissed this man, every time my lips met his it sent an electric jolt to my heart, giving it a spark of life, reminding it that no matter how much heartache it had endured there was still someone worth beating for.

It wasn’t a long kiss, but the world melted away for that space of time. The women’s whispered responses of _“Oh, my God,”_ and _“That’s so romantic,”_ brought me back to awareness and I finally pulled away.

The Russian woman cleared her throat and beckoned for us. Yuri tucked himself under my arm, wrapping his own around my waist and placed one quick kiss on my neck before we turned to follow her. Once the tour started in earnest he was completely rapt with attention though. I had hoped that Yuri didn’t know about this place since he hadn't taken me here or even mentioned it in our own tour of the city, and I was thrilled that I had guessed right.

I wanted to take him someplace _he_ could enjoy. And enjoying it he was. He was like a kid in a candy store. If candy was vodka. Which it was. The Russian woman gave the tour in a very emotionless, succinct manner, but every time she would recite some detailed fact, Yuri sucked in his breath a bit and squeezed my side. 

The tour wasn’t long but at the end they did a small vodka tasting. My morning headache was starting to make a comeback by this point. I was trying to ration the last of my migraine pills, so I was glad we were here where I could at least have a drink. When they brought out the flight, I downed the first two quickly. Yuri didn’t fail to notice. 

“Jeh,” he tsked, holding my hand down before I could grab the next glass. “You need to sip it. Really savor it. You’ll get drunk if you just keep throwing them back like that.”

“I can hold my liquor, _mon beau_ ,” I said, smirking back, but when I took the next glass I sipped it instead.

Slowly the vodka helped with the headache that was creeping back. I bought a couple of bottles for Yuri and myself. Yuri assumed I’d be taking mine back to Montreal, but I knew it would be gone in a day or two.

“You are welcome to eat at the restaurant next door,” the woman offered and Yuri turned his face to mine, eyes wide and hopeful.

“I already made reservations,” I chuckled.

We were led to a small table tucked in the corner window and sat down across from each other in the small adjacent cafe. It was bright and homey and I looked around while we waited for our waiter to come over, but once I took in the bar, the deli case, the Russian dolls in a display case off to the side, my gaze settled back onto Yuri. 

Smiling softly, he took my hand and gave it a kiss, then set it on the table between us, his fingers playing with mine. “This was so great, baby.” 

That smile made my heart flip. “I’m glad you liked it.”

“I _loved_ it.”

When the waiter came over I let Yuri go ahead and order for us. Russian sounded so sexy coming out of his mouth. I had no idea what he ordered until the food came out. We started with pickled herring, which unfortunately made my stomach turn. Yuri only laughed as he held up one of the fishes in my face and I was seriously trying not to gag. Luckily, he also ordered some type of stuffed pastry. 

“Piroskis,” he announced. Then after taking a bite, “Not quite as good as my _dedusya’s,_ but still really good.” 

He waited expectantly for me to take a bite and glowed when I declared it delicious.

“ _Dedusya_?” 

“Wow, your accent is atrocious!” he laughed. “ _Dedusya_ ,” he repeated. “My grandpa.” 

“Okay, okay, smart guy,” I kicked him under the table, eliciting another soft laugh. “Do you get to see him a lot?” 

Yuri instantly turned more somber. “Not lately,” he pushed around the pastry crumbs on his plate. “He broke his hip last year, then fell again a few months ago and blinded one eye. I couldn’t let him live by himself anymore, and I couldn’t take care of him, so I had to move him into a home. I haven’t had a chance to visit him yet.” He kept his eyes down. He obviously felt guilty.

“Yuré,” I brushed my hand on his cheek, trying to comfort him as best I could here in the cafe, “it’s not your fault, and I’m sure your grandpa understands.”

He sniffed, “I know, but he was the only one that was really there for me. I mean, since mama wasn’t around. _He_ was the one I missed when I got sent away to train with Yakov.”

I kicked myself for making Yuri sad with all this talk about his family that was obviously painful. I realized that outside of skating I really didn’t know too much about Yuri’s family or past at all. I wondered how much he knew about mine.

The next course was brought over. Stroganoff. I wasn’t really hungry, plus I really didn’t want to give my stomach any ammunition for just throwing up later. But Yuri simply pushed his food around on the plate. I didn't want him to miss out on his meal just because I once again was an idiot, putting my foot in my mouth. Scooping some of the noodles onto my fork I held it up to him. He raised an eyebrow. 

“I’ve got to make sure my hot boyfriend is well fed.” I winked at him and moved the fork closer to his mouth. He rolled his eyes but smiled before he took the bite.

I continued to feed him until both our plates were clear. Scrapping up the last bit for him, he closed his eyes as he slowly took the last bite, licking his lips to capture the sauce caught in the corners of his mouth. I couldn’t help but lean in for a quick kiss, wanting to taste him as well.

“Hmm. You’re delicious.”

“I’m stuffed is what I am. How was your stroganoff?” Yuri looked over at my empty plate, then realization lit his eyes. “Jeh! I ate all your food! Here,” he started to wave down the waiter, “we need to order some more.”

Grabbing his arm back down, “No, I’m good.”

“But you barely ate.”

“Not feeling hungry,” I shrugged.

“Are you sure you’re okay? Not getting sick? I know it’s been pretty hectic since you’ve arrived.”

“I’m stronger than a little travel, Yuré. I’m fine.”

After I paid, the host brought out my large bag filled with a blanket and the other things I’d previously prepared. I slipped him a couple of bills and put our bottles of vodka inside. Yuri quirked his head and I winked. “Just some supplies for our afternoon.”

Leaving the museum, Yuri put his arms around me and gave me a long, sweet kiss.

“That was so wonderful, Jeh. What now?” He tried to peek in the bag.

“Nuh-uh,” I shook my head, pulling it out of his reach. “One step at a time. Next, we get another cab.”

As we waited outside the museum I could feel a buzz in the air that made my hair stand on end. There was the faint sound of some sort of commotion in the distance. It grew louder, obviously moving closer. Then my stomach tightened. It was the high-pitched screaming of a crowd only a block or two away.

Ah, _merde_. Those women must have tagged the location on the photos they had taken with us. I looked on Twitter and yeah, trending was a photo of Yuri and me kissing, the interior of the museum in the background, the location tagged clear as day.

The cab pulled up, but it was too late as Yuri’s fans descended on us and we were instantly surrounded by a sea of cat ears, the mass of young women crying and screaming to get Yuri’s attention. Then I thought I had probably shifted into an alternate reality, because Yuri smiled and waved, and started posing with his fans who only got more ecstatic. 

I was shoved around by the crowd as they clamored for my attention as well. And just like in my dream, I lost his hand that I'd been holding and we continued to get shoved apart. 

I called out to him. He couldn’t hear me of course, but something made him turn. He was in the middle of taking another picture, but as soon as he saw me his eyes widened. I knew there was outright panic on my face. I needed to get out of here before I lost it completely. I felt sweaty and chilled. Then the first drops of the breaking storm hit my cheek and I looked up to see the clouds thick above us as it began to rain. 

Someone grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the crowd. Yuri. He held my hand firmly in his and we ran down the street away from the women, splashing through puddles, dodging cars, until he pulled me into a random small shop.

Yuri looked out the window to see if we’d lost the crowd. When he turned back around I pulled him against me. Shivering and gasping, I couldn’t get my shaking under control. Yuri tightened his hold around me. “I’ve got you, I’ve got you,” he murmured into my ear. 

After a few minutes he said, “I’m going to call us a cab,” but I wouldn’t loosen my hold on him. Rubbing my back he tried again. “Baby, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere, but I need to get my phone out of my pocket, okay?” 

I nodded stiffly and let him go so he could make the call, though he kept a tight hold of my hand until it arrived.

Once we were in the cab I realized something was missing. “Shit! Where’s my bag?”

“I don’t know, baby.”

“No! I can’t have lost it! We need to find it! Shit, what if one of the fans took it?”

“Well, they might have, but it’s okay. It’s just stuff.”

“No, it’s — fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! I need that bag, Yuré, I need it!”

“Okay,” he took my face in his hands. “Okay, let’s just go retrace our steps.”

We spent the next half hour having the cab take us back along our path, Yuri and I getting out in the pouring rain to explore while the cab waited. I threw a bunch of money at the woman driving us so she didn’t complain. We finally ended back at the Vodka Museum.

After scouring the museum and the restaurant, the bag was nowhere in sight. I couldn’t believe I lost track of something so important. Of all the things that could go wrong today… Leaning against the wall outside the restaurant I slumped down, my hands over my head. 

Yuri bent down next to me, “Come on, baby, let’s get out of the rain. Whatever it was, you just have to let it go. It’ll be alright.”

I didn’t say anything, but he was right. It was gone and my heart sank. He pulled me up and we headed back to the car. 

“ _Izvinite._ Excuse me.” 

We turned. It was the Russian woman from the museum shuffling after us, holding an umbrella.

When she got closer she extended her arm, holding out my bag. Yuri and I both stood there, stunned. “I think this is what you are looking for? I found this on the ground in the rain after all those screaming girls left.”

I took it from her and looked inside. The blanket, vodka, champagne and glasses were all gone, but thank God there was my package still at the bottom. That’s what I couldn’t bear to have lost.

“Thank you,” I hugged the bag in close. “Thank you, thank you.”

She patted my cheek. “You are too handsome to be so sad.” 

I don’t know what it was — my panic from this morning, the craziness with the fans, losing the bag — but I started crying. She simply continued to pat my cheek until I sniffed back my tears, quickly trying to pull myself together. Then she turned to Yuri.

“Give him _borscht_ ,” was all she said, before turning to head back to the museum.

* * *

Well, I finally made it through Yuri’s front door. 

After what happened this afternoon, Yuri seemed to be on a mission. First, we stopped by my hotel room where Yuri marched straight in, grabbed my suitcase, threw it on the bed and packed me up in a whirlwind while I simply stood there dumbfounded. Then, towing my suitcase in one hand and me in the other, he checked me out of the hotel and took me back to his flat. As soon as we were inside he pushed me into his bedroom. 

“You’re going to stay in here, Jeh. I’ll be out in the main room.” I tried to protest — there was no way I was kicking Yuri out of his own bedroom — but he promptly threw a hand over my mouth, the tone of his voice brokering no contest. “I’m not going to hear it, Jean-Jacques. You _are_ going to stay in here, and I don’t want you to worry. I meant what I said earlier. We’ll take things slow. Now,” pushing me into his bathroom, “are you a bath guy or a shower guy? I’m a bath guy, but…?” 

“Shower.”

He nodded, “Okay, take as long as you want. Run out all the hot water. Just relax. I’ll get some food going, and we can just watch a movie. Or not watch a movie. Or listen to music, or whatever you want to do.” 

I stared at Yuri, a bit overwhelmed by everything he was doing for me. I know he only wanted to help, but it made me feel… deficient. First, our afternoon went to hell and then I completely flipped out on him over the whole bag incident. Seemed that no matter how hard I tried I failed to do right by him — _again._

“Yuré, stop.” Grabbing his hand I stopped him in his tracks, “Please. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.” 

Maybe if I said it out loud enough times it would finally come true.

I don’t know what he saw in my eyes but he stepped up and hugged me close, running his hands over my back in slow circles. “Yes, you are, baby. You’re going to be okay. I love you. Everything’s going to be okay.” 

I didn’t realize I had started shaking again until Yuri tightened his hold on me, soothing me with his quiet voice, repeating once more, “I’ve got you, everything’s going to be alright, I’ve got you,” while I sobbed in his arms. 

Eventually, Yuri was able to get me into the shower. As the water poured over me, I leaned my head against the shower wall and banged my fist on the tile. Why was I so fucked up? I used to be on top of my life. I was a fighter, like Beks said. So why wasn’t I able to pull myself out of this? 

If only the water could just wash everything away. Though I didn’t mean to, I did end up running out all of Yuri’s hot water, standing there until the water turned ice cold. Perhaps it would finally numb me so I wouldn't feel anymore. Finally freezing enough that I couldn’t stand it anymore, I got out. Shivering and wet, I ambled my way back to the bedroom and slowly dried myself off and got dressed in the first thing I grabbed from my suitcase, a white v-neck t-shirt and red joggers. 

I sure could use a drink. If only I hadn’t lost that damn bottle of vodka in the crowd of fans. I thought about taking another migraine pill but then decided against it. Those wouldn’t help with the pain in my heart.

Making my way out to the living room, Yuri gave me a quick kiss before going to change and clean himself up, telling me he was used to cold showers and was glad I was able to relax — though relaxed was the farthest thing from how I felt. 

I fell into a fitful sleep for a bit on his couch and woke up to the sounds of Yuri bustling around in the kitchen. Dressed just as casually as I was, in gray sweats and a black loose fitting, wide-neck long-sleeved shirt, his hair down and still a bit damp from his shower, he brought over some cold meats and cheeses, and of course two big bowls of _borscht_ with huge dollops of cream on top. Sitting on the floor of his living room we had a bit of a make-shift picnic. 

He then opened a bottle of vodka from his cabinet and poured us a drink, thank God. “I think we both need one.” We both downed them quickly, and he poured us each another before returning the bottle. I downed that one just as quickly, though this time Yuri didn’t comment.

We ate slowly, not really saying much other than the occasional, _“Here, try this”_ and _“Yeah, that's good,”_ then cleaned up just as silently. Settling back on the floor, Yuri brought over my bag and set it in my lap, resting his chin on my shoulder as he snuggled up close.

“Will you tell me why this was so important to you?”

Sighing, I pulled out the package. The wrapping paper was now crumpled from being rained on and dried out and ripped a bit. 

I had wanted this to be something special after a quiet afternoon with Yuri. My plan was for us to catch a ferry over to Vasilievsky Island and take a walk around the strelka. I imagined us being there near the water, holding hands like saps and just enjoying each other’s company without really having anywhere to be. I heard that sometimes there was salsa music on the square and that people gathered to dance, and secretly hoped we could recreate our first dance. We'd end the day sitting together to watch the bridges rise, toast my idiotic made-up anniversary, and then I would have given Yuri this memento. 

Of course, that had all gone to shit. All that was able to be salvaged was this package, beat-up and tattered, barely surviving. Not unlike my heart.

“It’s stupid,” I said, but handed him the package. “It’s just, well, today is four months since we were at Salsathèque together and you rescued me from being completely humiliated by Izzy.” I had a hard time looking at him, feeling his eyes on me as he listened quietly. After a moment though I forced myself to meet his gaze and tried not to get lost in those cool green pools. “Ever since that time you’ve been in my mind and heart, especially with all of the shit I was going through.” 

Yuri breathed out and put his hand over mine, whispering, “Jeh.”

“And well, I just wanted to let you know how important you are to me, _mon ange._ What it means to have you in my life now. And how much it means to me that you gave me a second chance.”

“Jeh,” he said again.

“Go ahead, open it.”

Slowly Yuri unwrapped the package, pulling out a frame. Inside I’d put the original sheet of staff paper I’d written Yuri’s song on. It wasn’t neat — _je t'aime_ , _mon ange_ , _toujours_ , _tu es ma vie, mon tout_ were scrawled in the margins in my scratchy handwriting. Passages were crossed out and rewritten. It had been hard for me to capture how I felt in something so trite as a song, but I had tried. 

Yuri just stared at it, but I couldn’t read his expression. The longer he stared, the more self-conscious I became.

“You framed your gift to me so I wanted to do the same. But it was a dumb idea,” I said shaking my head at my stupidity. 

I went to grab the frame out of his hands, but he quickly held it out of my reach and slapped my hand away. 

“You can’t take this back, it’s my song and I love it.” Then, looking down at it again he repeated quietly, “I love it, Jeh.” Turning those mossy green eyes on mine, “And I love _you._ That night changed everything for me, too.”

His eyes started to shimmer and like that we were kissing before I even knew we had connected. I tried not to let my desperation seep into the kiss, but I needed him so much. Here, in a kiss, I could pour my soul out to him in a way that was pure and true, and that didn’t make me feel like I couldn’t measure up to being worthy of him. And as he kissed me back, it was as if he was pouring his light back into me.

Like in the locker room, the kiss heated up instantly. Yuri opened to me without any prompting, and I kissed him deeply, lips glued together, our tongues circling over and over, the two of us breaking apart only to quickly gasp before we collided together again, needing this connection more than we both probably realized after this afternoon's ordeal.

Yuri clung to me, arms wrapped around my shoulders, hands clutching my shirt, and I thought I sensed his own desperation in the kiss. We fell back on the floor, my body laying over his, Yuri wrapping his legs around mine, drawing me even closer.

Moving from his lips, I trailed my mouth under his jaw to bite and suck along his neck. He arched, exposing it for me perfectly. I pulled his wide-necked shirt down so I could kiss and lick below his collarbone and down to his pec. Soft skin belied his hard muscle as I traced his chest until I found his nipple under the fabric, just under where the top of his shirt stopped. Pinching the nipple, I bit hard on his exposed skin and Yuri gasped out _“Fuck!”_ as I lapped over the bite mark with my tongue. 

“Jeh,” he breathed out as I pushed his shirt up his chest. Before I could work it off him he grabbed my face and pulled me up to look at him. He was panting and it looked to be an effort for him to speak. “Wait… baby… I told you, I can wait. We don’t have to do this yet.”

The concern in his eyes only lit a fire in mine. I was tired of failing Yuri again and again. I didn’t want to wait for my fucked up head to figure shit out anymore. I just wanted to move past all the disappointment and pain and fear. 

Shaking my head I began kissing his neck again, “I want to. I want you, Yuré. I need you so bad.” 

He whimpered under my ministrations before breathing out, “Are you sure?”

“Please, Yuré,” I was begging now, but I didn't care. Please don’t stop me. Please let me have this. Have you.

But then Yuri was pushing me off him, pulling his shirt back down and pushing himself up off the floor. I sat back on my heels, but before I could wonder what I’d done wrong he was pulling me to standing and leading me down the hall and back into his bedroom, turning on a low light on the nightstand.

“Okay, Jeh. God, I want you too, so fucking much,” he said, closing his eyes and taking a measured breath, obviously trying to regain his composure, though his shaky voice gave away his desire. “But we can take this at your pace. Anytime you want to stop —” 

I covered his mouth with mine, silencing any talk of going slow or stopping what we both so desperately wanted — and needed — and pushed him back to lay on the bed, crawling on top of him.

Yanking his shirt opening over to one side, I kissed and sucked my way up and down his neck and shoulder, my other hand moving under the fabric to feel his hard chest. He began moaning over and over between breaths. Part of my brain was waiting for this morning's panic to hit me again, but it didn’t. Instead, his soft moans went straight to my heart, reminding me that I could still do _this._ I could still make Yuri feel good. And for this moment I clung to that thought like it was my last saving grace.

Shirts were quickly shoved up and off and I kissed, bit and licked my way down his extremely defined abs, though right now his gorgeous body barely registered — the fire in my gut urging me to stop wasting time and hurry and get his cock in my mouth, which I did without any more preamble. As soon as I pushed his sweats and boxers down enough to free his cock, I pulled him immediately into my mouth, taking him all the way in and began sucking with a fury. 

“Ah! Jeh!” Yuri cried out loudly, his long strong fingers gripping my hair, pulling me off him somewhat. “Easy baby, easy,” he panted. 

I slowed my assault, alternately sucking and swirling my tongue around him in time to his gasps of “Yes… that's it, baby… yes… fuck, _yes_.” 

I just needed to make him come, then I would know everything would be alright between us, back on equal footing. He was getting close and I could feel him tensing under me, but he pulled me off him again. 

I growled in frustration, “No, want to make you come.”

“Baby, please, I need to kiss you.” I would never be able to deny this man anything, but I gave him one last deep suck, rewarding me with an inhaled _“Oh, God!”_ before I moved up to meet his hungry mouth.

Gone were Yuri’s attempts to keep things slow, his kiss making me dizzy, sucking my tongue deep into his mouth, his body arching up to mine. I was so overtaken by his kiss that I didn’t notice he’d worked my pants and underwear down as well, until I felt his hands on my ass, massaging firmly and pulling me into him. Electricity shot straight to my dick as soon as I felt his hard length press against it. 

My body took over and I rocked down hard into his hips. His hand slid over our cocks and squeezed hard enough that I thought my eyes were going to explode out of my head, it felt so good.

My strangled cry of “Oh fuck… _Yuré_!” echoed around me, reverberating off the walls, and I instantly froze. 

I’d heard myself shout that out before, just that way. The memory came rushing back, washing over me, filling me with dread. Me holding my phone, repeating after a long silence, “Hello, hello? Anyone there?”

“ _O-o-h_ , JJ,” Izzy’s moan came at me through the phone, followed by heavy panting. 

“Who is this!?” I demanded, though the pit in my stomach told me who it was.

My own voice answered me, “You like that, huh, you like how I fuck you?”

More of Izzy’s moaning, her breathy _“ah… ah… ah’s”_ continuing as I listened in utter horror.

“You want me, don’t you?” My voice was harsh. Desperate. Dangerous. “You want me to fuck you hard, don’t you?”

“Yes… yes… yes… yes…” 

Each of Izzy’s chants was punctuated by the sound of the bed rocking, my own grunts mixed in, both growing faster and faster, louder and louder, until after another minute our orgasms were obvious. 

“Yes! Yes! Yes!”

“Oh fuck… _Yuré_!”

I'd held the phone back, stunned. Not only was my awful mistake being replayed back to me, but it had just happened the _night before._

She was everywhere. That woman. The stalker. Hounding me, following my every move. Nowhere was safe. Not even my own home apparently.

I yelled into the phone.

“LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!” 

But I hadn’t yelled into the phone just now.

The moment the words were out of my mouth I realized whom I had yelled them to. 

Yuri’s eyes flew open and he stiffened under me. In an instant I saw it all in his eyes — confusion, hurt, anger, embarrassment, worry.

I was scrambling off the bed, retreating to the bathroom and locking the door behind me before another second passed. 

_No, no, no._ Why couldn’t I get rid of her? She was everywhere, no matter where I was. 

Pants still pushed down to my thighs, I sat down on the toilet seat — but I didn’t even have the energy to break down anymore. All my anguish, all my pain, my distress. I couldn’t feel any of it. I was just a shell. Empty.

The door handle jiggled, followed by a soft knock on the door. 

“Jeh, baby, please let me in.” Yuri’s voice was full of concern.

I didn’t want to let him in, but what else could I do? Standing, I pulled up my pants then unlocked the door before sitting back down on the toilet seat. I kept my head in my hands. I didn’t want to look at him, see his anger, or worse, how much I disappointed him.

“Hey, _lyubimaya,_ please look at me.” 

I finally did, to see him sitting on the edge of the tub next to me. He didn’t look mad or disappointed. Only worried. He reached out and softly rubbed the back of my head.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Are you okay? What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay,” he sighed, “you don’t have to.” 

Taking my hand he pulled me up. I trudged behind him back into the bedroom, then simply got into bed and curled onto my side, facing away from him. Shame and humiliation completely engulfed me. 

The bed dipped and a hand smoothed over my back. I tensed at first, but Yuri’s touch felt more comforting than I expected. He slowly ran his fingers up through the short hairs of my undercut, massaging my neck and lightly caressing my ears. After a while, I turned onto my back, though I kept my eyes closed. I could feel tears running down the sides of my face, back towards my ears. Yuri wiped them away until they finally stopped, his hand moving to rub my temples, smooth my forehead, and comb through the long hair on top of my head. I almost thought I heard him singing, but it was so low and soft I couldn’t be certain. 

Right as I was drifting off to sleep I felt Yuri move to get off the bed. Jolting back awake, I reached out for him. “No, please… please don’t leave me.”

“Alright, _lyubimaya_.” 

I felt my arm lift up and then lower back down around Yuri’s body. With his head resting on my chest and his body pressed next to mine I heard him whisper, _“Ya lyublyu tebya vsem serdtsem.”_ I didn’t know what it meant, but the sound of it soothed me and I finally let go and fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song [Hold Me by The Sweeplings](https://open.spotify.com/track/7spcwLd3N30fMwD7xtO84I?si=JlEc41YqTt6HsBBJql-gAw) haunted me while writing this. _*Sniff*_ Here is the [YouTube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yrf5qbKq4Co) if you don't have Spotify. 
> 
> French translations:  
>  _mon beau_ = my beautiful/my handsome  
>  _mon ange_ = my angel  
>  _je t'aime_ = I love you  
>  _toujours_ = always  
>  _tu es ma vie, mon tout_ = you are my life, my everything
> 
> Russian translations:  
>  _Dedusya_ = Grandpa (a derivative, Yuri's personal nickname for his grandfather)  
>  _Izvinite_ = excuse me  
>  _lyubimaya_ = beloved, or my love  
>  _Ya lyublyu tebya vsem serdtsem_ = I love you from the bottom of my heart
> 
> Your comments really do motivate me _so much_ , so thank you always!


	4. Shaky Ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Stop worrying. You’re going to be fine. It’s just Victor and Yuuri. They already like you.”_  
>   
>  _Easy for him to say. But I knew better. I knew tonight was pivotal in Yuri’s and my relationship. These weren't just any normal ‘parents’ that I was having dinner with. It was Victor Nikiforov and Yuuri Katsuki. Ice power couple. Living legends. And although he wouldn’t admit it out loud, I knew Yuri looked up to them and took what they thought very seriously._  
>   
>  _Unfortunately, right now I was on precarious ground. After yesterday's disaster, Yuri and I were having a hard time reestablishing our footing with each other._  
>   
>  ***

“What do you think about these flowers? Are they okay?” I shifted the large bouquet of purple lilies from one hand to the other so I could take Yuri's hand, needing reassurance. Using the bouquet to point to the bottle of wine Yuri was carrying I bit at my lip, worrying it, and asked him, “And are you sure they like that vintage?”

Yuri squeezed my hand as we walked up to Victor and Katsuki’s house, then brought it up to his lips for a quick kiss. With each step I was getting more and more anxious, the house growing more imposing the closer we got. After we passed the front gate we had driven at least a mile through a thick forest of trees before we even reached the house, and now three stories stared down at me.

Light poured all around the building, illuminating the beautifully sculpted trees and bushes that framed the front lawn. The very modern-looking building stood in stark contrast to the old buildings I had come to associate with Saint Petersburg. And although it was undeniably exquisite, it was just as unreadable as Victor himself.

I was no stranger to large mansions like this. My own family’s home was pretty large, and probably from an outsider's perspective quite grand. Yet it never felt intimidating, and it definitely didn't ooze the prestige of Victor and Katsuki's home. I may have been a popular athlete in Canada, the son of Olympians, but here in Russia, you could tell — Victor Nikiforov was practically royalty.

“The flowers are beautiful. And yes, believe me, they love this shit,” Yuri held the bottle up and shook it slightly. “Stop worrying. You’re going to be fine. It’s just Victor and Yuuri. They already like you.”

Easy for him to say. But I knew better. I knew tonight was pivotal in Yuri’s and my relationship. These weren't just any normal ‘parents’ that I was having dinner with. It was _Victor Nikiforov and Yuuri Katsuki._ Ice power couple. Living legends. And although he wouldn’t admit it out loud, I knew Yuri looked up to them and took what they thought very seriously.

Unfortunately, right now I was on precarious ground. After yesterday's disaster, Yuri and I were having a hard time reestablishing our footing with each other.

This morning was awkward, to say the least. Though I had a dreamless sleep, I woke up to an excruciating migraine and had to rush out of bed to throw up, barely making it to Yuri’s bathroom in time. Since I had eaten more last night than I had in days, I ended up retching for several drawn-out minutes, unable to catch my breath between heaves. Yuri was there almost the moment I fell on my knees above the toilet, his hand rubbing my back until I was done, immediately handing me a glass of water, then wetting a towel to wipe my face and neck.

 _Criss,_ I wished I was at my hotel instead of here so Yuri wouldn’t have to see this. Of course, he wouldn’t even think of leaving for training after that, no matter how much I insisted. “And I’ll tell Victor we can’t make it tonight,” he said, trying to reassure me.

“No!” The last thing I wanted was for Victor to think that I was the problem boyfriend — first keeping Yuri away from practice, and then being too fucked up to go to dinner. “ _We’re going,_ ” I ground out. “I’m fine. I just need to rest.”

Yuri frowned, unconvinced. “Jeh, you’re not fine. We can do dinner another day.”

“Please Yuré, I don’t want Victor thinking I’m too weak and needy.”

Yuri looked genuinely surprised. “Victor doesn’t think that.”

I doubted that.

“Would you _please_ just go to practice? I’ll be fine,” I closed my eyes, tired of arguing.

But he didn’t listen. Instead, Yuri turned into a complete mother hen — checking on me every half hour, asking if I wanted tea, or if the temperature of the room was okay, or if his neighbors were too loud. My nerves were already raw and he was getting on my last one.

“ _Yuré!_ ” I finally snapped after he came in to make sure I had enough blankets. “ _Criss!_ I’m fine! I don’t need a babysitter. And how can I get any rest if you keep coming in every few minutes?”

Hurt immediately flashed in his eyes and I chided myself. Great, way to go shithead.

I grabbed his hand. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It’s just this headache is lingering and I’m still really tired.”

His voice was quiet as he moved away, letting go of my hand. “Of course, baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bother you so much. I’ll let you get some sleep.”

I couldn’t stand to see those bright eyes dull with sadness, especially knowing I was the one that caused it. I scurried out of bed, fighting against the dizziness that washed over me at my sudden movement, to block him from leaving. His head hung down so I lifted his chin with my finger, but his eyes stayed lowered.

Bending down to brush my lips softly against his I said, “I just need a couple hours, _mon beau_. Then I’ll feel better, I promise.”

He gave me a small smile then left the room. Although I felt guilty for yelling at him, he left me alone and I was able to finally get some sleep.

Several hours later I woke up, but my migraine hadn’t improved much. What I needed was one of my pills — and a drink. However, I couldn’t exactly go out to the living room and grab one with Yuri out there. Listening at the door all seemed quiet. Perhaps Yuri was running errands. I decided to venture out, see if I could find something from his liquor cabinet.

Making my way slowly down the hall I stopped before I got to the end, seeing Yuri sitting on the couch facing away from me, holding his phone to his ear.

“You didn’t see him yesterday. I’ve never seen anyone panic in a crowd like that before,” he said, voice low.

I knew I shouldn’t eavesdrop, but I moved as close as I dared, heart pounding, trying to figure out who Yuri was talking to, though he only hummed into the phone for the next several minutes. Was he realizing that I was more than he signed up for?

Sighing, Yuri said, “I’m worried about him going back to Montreal on his own. Maybe I should sit this season out, go back with him.”

Oh, _hell_ no. I was NOT going to be the reason that Yuri sat a season out. Alright, Jean-Jacques, you really need to pull your shit together. Striding back to the room, I grabbed my medicine bottle, opting to take two pills instead of simply chasing one with a drink, because tonight I really needed to be at the top of my game. That only left me one, but I’d figure out what to do about that later.

Jumping in the shower, I washed up as quickly as I could, gritting through the pain until the medicine finally kicked in and the headache lessened. Twenty minutes later I was fully dressed and ready, putting fresh sheets on the bed that I found in the bathroom linen closet when Yuri came back into the room, stopping short.

“Jeh? You’re feeling better?”

“Told you — I just needed some rest. Fresh as a daisy,” I winked at him.

Tentatively he came over, scrutinizing me as I finished smoothing out the bedspread then fluffed the pillows. After I placed them on the bed I sat back down.

“I’m sorry I worried you so much, earlier,” I said, pulling Yuri to stand between my legs, holding his hips and stroking them lightly with my thumbs.

Yuri’s face was still furrowed with worry. He simply stared down at my chest while he played with one of the buttons on my shirt. “But… you were really sick this morning. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I just had a doozy of a headache this morning,” kissing his chest. “But I got some rest and now feel right as rain.” 

I stood up and took his hand. It was time to show Yuri — and Victor and Katsuki — that he was dating Jean-fucking-Jacques Leroy, not some mopey loser.

“Come on,” I led him back to the living room and got on my jacket, then held his out. “I need you to help me pick out a good bottle of wine to bring tonight.”

“Jeh, I can’t go out like this!” Yuri indicated his outfit. He was still dressed in his sweats and black shirt from last night, and his feet were bare.

Oops. I hadn't really stopped to observe him, caught up in my determination to pick myself back up.

“I guess not,” I laughed and pushed him back towards the bedroom. “Go on then, get ready. But hurry it up. I want to make a good impression tonight.”

“Alright, alright.” But before he made it too far he doubled back, looping his arms around my neck to give me a couple of sweet pecks, then headed back down the hall, “I’m glad you’re feeling better, baby.”

Once he was gone, I went to the liquor cabinet and grabbed the first bottle I could find to stash away in my suitcase. The knot in my chest relaxed a little, knowing I at least had something for tomorrow until Lou could come up with another prescription for me. I hoped it would be soon. The King really needed to his groove back.

Now, standing hand-in-hand with Yuri while he rang the doorbell, flowers and wine in hand, I was hoping I could show that _JJ Style_ groove tonight with two of the most important people in Yuri’s life.

Victor answered and immediately my hands start to sweat. Grabbing the wine bottle from Yuri I shoved it and the flowers at Victor, avoiding having to shake his hand with a clammy palm. That was not how I wanted to start the evening.

Taken aback for a moment, Victor took the items. “Um. Thank you, JJ.” He stepped aside inviting us in, humming low and nodding, “Looks like you're feeling better.”

I flushed, embarrassed, and Victor turned. We followed him through an insanely large entry that was lined with dark wood-paneled columns inlaid with gold, my boots clicking loudly on the expansive marble floor. Several paintings were on the walls, highlighted with lights from above. Although I didn't know who each piece was by, I could easily guess they weren't purchased at your typical gallery. Auctions most likely. And I would bet last season's winnings that they were at least a million each.

Despite the big house, Victor and Katsuki were the only ones there, Victor leading us to the kitchen where Katsuki himself was finishing up final preparations for dinner. He stopped to gush over the flowers, then began digging around for a vase while Victor looked for the bottle opener. It was an odd juxtaposition seeing these two legends fumbling through drawers and cabinets in a kitchen probably built for master chefs.

Yuri rolled his eyes at them and turned to a nearby drawer filled with random utensils, immediately finding the bottle opener, handing it to Victor with a sigh.

“You’re so useless, old man.”

Victor grinned at Yuri, but that smile seemed to drop away when he turned to me as he opened the bottle of wine. “I’m sure Yura told you, JJ, but this is one of my favorites. It will go very well with dinner tonight.”

“I may have helped a little with the wine,” Yuri confessed, “but Jeh chose the flowers.”

“Well they are stunning, JJ,” said Katsuki. “Though of course, a fashion icon like you would have great taste.”

Katsuki's compliment took me by surprise, and let out a breath I didn’t even realize that I had been holding. Yuri noticed though, squeezing my hand and giving me a smile. Okay, Jean-Jacques, at least you're doing good with one of them. As for Victor... well, you'll get there.

After Victor poured the wine, we all convened in their living room. Yuri pulled me next to him on the couch while Victor settled on a chair opposite us, sipping from his glass slowly as he eyed us over the rim. It was hard not to squirm under Victor's scrutiny, but Yuri seemed to intuit my nervousness and scooted right up next to me until he was completely flush to my side. Our bodies were in complete contact from our feet to our hips and Yuri wound his arm around mine, stroking my bicep with his free hand. The contact bolstered my confidence and I draped my hand over his leg, squeezing his knee in gratitude.

“So, how have you been enjoying Saint Petersburg?” Katsuki joined us after setting the flowers on the table, sitting on the arm of Victor’s chair.

“Well, Yuré’s been a very enthusiastic tour guide,” I laughed and patted Yuri’s leg. “Let’s see, we’ve gone to the Winter Palace, whats-his-name’s palace, some cathedral with blood —”

“The Cathedral of the Spilled Blood!” Yuri huffed. “It’s one of the most famous cathedrals!”

“Yeah, that one. A few museums, and a fancy garden… Alexander’s? I think I've learned more history this week about Russia than I ever learned about Canada,” I teased.

Yuri elbowed me. “You make it sound like it was torture!”

Kissing his cheek, “I will be tortured by you any day, _mon ange._ ”

“Sounds like you’ve been fully immersed.” Katsuki looked down at my hand on Yuri’s knee. I had been circling it absently with my thumb but automatically stopped. I shifted to move it when Yuri's placed his hand on top of it, trapping it there. Katsuki smiled at me, a little softer than before, and said, “Well, I’m glad Yu-chan has been taking good care of you.”

Victor set his glass aside, then interlaced his hands together, “So, how long do you plan to stay in town, JJ? I’m sure you don’t want to delay your training too long.”

“Vitya! It’s only been a week, please don’t scare off my boyfriend before we’ve had some time together,” Yuri pouted, his bottom lip stuck out petulantly. Damn, I wish he wouldn't do that. It was too tempting to kiss him right here. I focused on Victor and Katsuki instead, willing the butterflies in my stomach to calm down.

“If you want some ice time JJ, I can arrange that,” Victor said.

Internally I cringed. Victor's tone wasn't outwardly hostile, but there was an undercurrent there of disapproval and I heard what he really meant beneath the simple statement. _“Stop being a lazy fuck and stop distracting Yuri.”_ I was going to have to do better at not getting in the way of Yuri’s training. I couldn't let there be a repeat of this morning — I had to find a way to make sure I didn’t keep Yuri home with worry.

And as for my own training? Honestly, I didn’t want to think about it at all. I wanted to forget about being Canada’s star figure skater. I was so tired of keeping up that front. I had done it for so many years. And after last year, I just wanted to hide away here, half a world away with Yuri. Couldn’t I have that at least a little longer?

“God, just let the man have a vacation, Vitya,” Yuri jumped to my defense. Although I was grateful, I couldn’t let him take all the hits Victor was throwing my way.

“Nah, it’s alright. I’ll need to wrangle up some skates, but thanks Victor. It probably would be good to get in some practice while I’m here. Gotta keep up with you, Yuré, if the King has any chance of beating you this season.” 

Bumping his shoulder, I gripped Yuri’s knee again, but this time it was to keep my hand from shaking. He squeezed my hand back, intertwining our fingers and I could see the flicker of concern in his eyes, so I beamed a smile at them and said. “Yes indeed, _mon chou,_ this season you’d better watch out.”

It was a little too silent for a moment, and I realized I had spoken that last bit a little too loudly. Victor continued his steady gaze and Katsuki shifted a bit on the arm of the chair, taking a drink from his wine glass. I followed suit, though I took a much larger gulp of my wine before Yuri plucked the glass out of my hand to take his own sip instead of drinking out of his own glass. Thankfully some timer in the kitchen buzzed.

“Sounds like dinner’s ready,” Katsuki chimed in and all of us sighed slightly in relief. “I hope you like pork and rice. Yuri requested it special for tonight.”

“Katsudon!” Yuri exclaimed, rubbing his stomach. “You are definitely going to love this, Jeh.”

“Wait, _‘katsudon’_?” I looked at Yuri, eyebrows raised.

“Pork cutlet bowl,” Katsuki supplied. “My mom’s most popular dish she serves at my parents' inn. And my personal favorite too.”

“Mine too,” Victor heartily agreed.

Not to be left out, Yuri joined in, “And mine!”

“So, all these years you’ve been calling Yuuri _‘pork cutlet bowl’_?” Yuri simply shrugged and I burst out laughing. “It all makes sense now!”

Maybe it was all the tension releasing, but I couldn’t stop laughing, and soon I was crying I was laughing so hard. Yuri and Katsuki started laughing as well, though I could see mostly they were laughing at my reaction. Even Victor cracked a smile.

It took several minutes for me to finally calm my laughter down, though I still had a few bouts of giggles as we sat down around the table and Katsuki served up the laugh-inducing dish. Victor refilled the wine glasses and soon we were all digging in. It was quite delicious, though I always loved any Japanese cuisine. Yuri cheered that he had recruited another fan of the dish.

During dinner, I asked Yuri about his students back in Canada and he and Katsuki were very enthusiastic about their progress, as the kids had apparently been Katsuki’s students originally. Since I only knew Liam, I was especially interested in hearing more about him. Seemed Yuri also had an extra soft spot for the kid. I felt another pang of guilt that my being sick today had kept him from his Skype lesson with them today. I would just have to rectify that somehow as well. Tonight I needed to call Lou. I needed those pills.

We finished eating but just continued sitting for a few minutes, letting dinner settle, quietly sipping our wine.

“Have you started the choreography for Yu-chan’s free skate, Vitya?” Katsuki asked after a few minutes.

“I’m almost done. Yura, I actually wanted you to choreograph your step sequence. Perhaps we can go over that tomorrow.”

Yuri hummed into his wine glass and didn't answer for a long moment. Then he took a deep breath. “So… actually I was thinking of taking a couple of weeks with Jeh to go to Deda’s house and pack things up. I’ve been needing to visit him and take care of things anyway and it would give us some time to be together, to get away. I think that would be good for us right now.”

Victor looked stonily at me as if this was my idea. But I was just as surprised as he was at this announcement. Was Yuri crazy, thinking he should take off in the middle of training? The first Grand Prix competition was just a month away. I could feel its presence looming over me. As wonderful as spending two weeks away with Yuri sounded, and despite my own dread at returning to Montreal to train, I knew Yuri couldn't afford to stop his momentum now.

I was about to protest when Victor turned back to Yuri and said, “Absolutely not. That is much too long to be away from training.”

Yuri glanced at Katsuki briefly. “I’m not going to stop my training. I’ll keep up practice at the rink in Moscow. It’s only two weeks.” Then, quieter, “It's important, Vitya.”

“ _Important._ ” Victor also looked over to Katsuki for a moment, lips pursing, before turning a stern look back on Yuri. “You told me yourself how _important_ this season is to you, Yura. When you were dating Otabek it never interfered with your training. If JJ doesn’t think training is _important_ right now that’s his business, but every second away makes an impact. You know that.”

“Stop being such an asshole, Vitya. This has nothing to do with dating Jeh over Beka,” Yuri countered.

“Doesn't it? It has everything to do with who you're dating, apparently.”

“Vitya, that’s not fair,” Katsuki said, touching Victor’s arm.

“No Yuuri, you need to stop babying him. He has finally stepped up his training, but as soon as JJ shows up he just wants to go off with him —”

Yuri pounded his fist on the table, making his and my dishes jump, cutting Victor off. “You are such a fucking hypocrite, Vitya! I thought you _finally_ cared more about me than my damn skating career. Guess not. Not if what I do reflects badly on you, right? Well, you can’t stop me. We’re fucking going.”

No one spoke for a minute, but the silence crackled around us. I wanted to say something. I tried to force my brain to work, to explain, to apologize, to defend myself. But my dark cloud was back, seeping through the air, smothering my voice. Though my heart was beating fast, I only could sit and look down at my hands in my lap.

I felt someone’s eyes on me and tried to ignore them. I could only imagine whose they were. Victor's, looking at me with disdain. Katsuki's, probably looking with pity. Or Yuri's, filled with concern, as they only seemed to be these last couple of days.

I dared a glance at Yuri, but he wasn't looking at me. He was glaring at Victor, who was glaring right back. I caught the worry in Katsuki's face for a split second before he turned his gaze to Victor, whose eyes narrowed at Yuri, barely perceptible.

“Yura. Study. Now.”

Yuri's hands slammed down again on the table and he shoved his chair away then stalked out of the dining room not waiting for Victor, who got up much calmer than it was obvious he felt, following Yuri’s path with his long strides.

Katsuki sighed. “I’m sorry about all that, JJ.” He got up and started clearing dishes. I stood up to help.

We quietly cleared the table. Instead of loading the dishwasher though, Katsuki filled up one of the huge sinks until it was practically overflowing with fluffy suds.

Answering my questioning brow, he smiled, “This helps me relax when they argue like that.” And with that, he started washing. I grabbed a towel.

It was quiet except for the clink of dishes for several minutes. Then Katsuki said, tone quiet, “Yu-chan told me what happened yesterday.”

He spoke without looking at me, wiping the delicate stemware. My heart seized up. Please don’t. Please don’t talk about it.

But he continued, “You know I used to be riddled with panic attacks as well. That’s actually one of the reasons I studied psychology. I don't know if you knew that. Did you know I got my masters? I haven’t gotten my license yet, and of course it would be a breach of ethics for me to be your therapist,” he said more to himself. “Anyway, if you'd ever like to talk to a therapist, I can connect you with some very good ones back in Montreal.”

“Thank you, but I’m fine,” I gritted out, trying not to smash the dish I had in my hand against the nearest wall. Well, now I knew who Yuri was talking to on the phone. Why in God’s name did he have to say anything? “I just got a little overwhelmed yesterday, but Yuré and I worked it out.”

Katsuki turned to me then. “JJ, there’s a difference between being overwhelmed and a panic attack—”

“I know what a panic attack is.”

Katsuki just looked at me for a moment, evaluating, his expression neutral. Then, with a slight nod he turned back to washing the dishes. “Thank you for helping me clean up. Washing by hand is always better when there’s someone to help dry.” He handed me the last dish.

Yuri and Victor finally emerged from wherever the hell the study was to join Katsuki and me in the living room, where we had been sitting for the last twenty minutes. After that awkward conversation in the kitchen we’d barely been able to keep up any small talk before it had quickly deteriorated and now the room was filled with a dreadful silence.

As soon as Yuri and Victor entered I jolted out of my seat, though I wasn’t quite sure why. Both were red-faced. I expected that of Yuri, but it was a shock to see actual anger on Victor’s face. He turned his eyes on me for the briefest moment and the look was nothing but pure hostility. He remained silent though and passed through the living room, disappearing down the hall.

“Thank you for dinner, Yuuri,” Yuri said, voice low and raw. He looked like he was about to either cry or punch a wall. Katsuki put an arm out to him, but Yuri waved him off. “I’ll talk to you later. Jeh, let’s go.”

 _Merde._ Well, any hope I had of making a good impression was now completely obliterated. I had no idea how I would ever recover with Victor and Katsuki after tonight. 

Yuri and I were both silent on the car ride home. My heart was pounding so fast I could hear it in my ears, and I thought my jaw would be permanently locked, it was clenched so tightly. Yuri’s knuckles were white as he gripped the wheel, eyes narrowed as he sped home. I knew he and I were mad at very different things, and that only served to make me more pissed.

As soon as we were through the door, Yuri went straight for his computer, same determined look on his face that he had yesterday when he checked me out of my hotel. He didn’t even blink when I slammed the door behind us.

“Fuck Vitya,” he muttered under his breath as he clicked furiously, “I’m getting us the first train out in the morning. We’ll be in Moscow a little after noon.”

“I’m not going,” I said through gritted teeth. There was no way in hell I could leave with him now. Not after tonight’s fiasco.

“What?” Yuri didn’t seem to hear, just continued to click away on the computer.

Louder, “I said, I’m not going.”

Yuri turned to look at me over his shoulder. “What?” he said again. “What are you talking about?”

Was he really that clueless? I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to keep my voice down, but it was hard. I could feel my hands shaking. “Were you even going to ask me?”

“Ask you what?”

“ _Criss!_ I don’t know, Yuré. How about asking me if I wanted to go to Moscow for two weeks? Maybe I don’t want to go.”

“You don’t want to go?” Confusion colored his face. “I just assumed —”

“Are you serious? I mean fucking hell, Yuré! Now Victor absolutely hates me!” Yuri started to protest, but I cut him off. “And then Katsuki cornered me in the kitchen, asking if I needed a therapist! You just had to go tell him all about my humiliating experience yesterday, didn’t you? He told me I should see a shrink to help with all my panic attacks, since you know, I can barely keep it together! Did you tell him I freaked out during sex too?”

“Of course not,” Yuri blinked up at me, completely perplexed.

His shocked innocence just about pushed me over the edge. “Don’t lie to me, Yuré. I heard you on the phone with him today. _‘I don’t know what to do about JJ freaking out over everything.’_ ”

I knew I shouldn’t have admitted that the moment it came out of my mouth as I watched Yuri’s face turn red, though it wasn’t from embarrassment. His voice dropped as he said, “You listened to my conversation?”

Hell if he was going to turn this back on me though. There was no way my eavesdropping outweighed him talking about what should have been private between us. “And so what if I did? Not like I could help it — coming out this afternoon after I got up to find you blabbing to Katsuki about what a fuck-up I am.”

Yuri looked absolutely stricken at that. “What? No, Jeh, I swear! It’s just I see how much you’re struggling. Getting so sick this morning. And yesterday, with the fans —”

I scoffed, “So you _do_ think I’m fucked up.”

“I didn’t say that. Would you just listen to me?” Yuri groaned, running his hands back in his hair in obvious frustration.

“I know that’s what you think. You’ve been treating me like I’m your broken boyfriend that could fall apart at any time.”

“I’m just trying to help you, that’s why I talked to Yuuri. That’s all! Baby, please. What that woman did to you —”

“She didn’t do anything to me!”

“Please, Jeh, let me help you.” Yuri came over and took my hand, but I yanked it away.

“I don’t need your help — and I don’t need your pity!” 

I stormed down the hall into the bedroom, slamming the door behind me. My skin pricked and I felt overheated as I stood there in the middle of the bedroom, shaking until I couldn’t hold back any longer.

“Fuck!” I yelled out, punching the wall in front of me, breaking through the plaster, bloodying my hand.

The force of my punch shook the dresser next to the wall and knocked several things off, scattering them on the floor. A picture of Yuri with Victor and Katsuki, glass and frame now cracked on the floor. Several necklaces. And my leather pouch with Yuri’s medal that I didn’t even realize he’d placed up there. I fell to my knees beside it, pressing the heels of my hands hard into my eyes.

If I did that to try to hold back the tears it was a fruitless effort, as they came regardless. I just couldn’t do this anymore. I was so raw. The shell of the man I once was.

How could Yuri not see what Victor, what Katsuki… what Izzy saw? I was worthless. Useless. He kept thinking I was still _‘JJ Leroy.’ ‘The King.’ ‘Champion skater.’_ What a joke. It was obvious after tonight that that man didn’t exist anymore.

Had I never been that man all this time? All these years? I thought he was real. I could see now it was all a lie. Perhaps he never existed at all. Only in everyone’s mind. And I was just as fooled.

The leather pouch stared at me from the floor. Yuri had given me his medal to show me he believed in me. But there was no one to believe in anymore. That man was gone — if he was even there to begin with.

I snatched the pouch off the floor and gripped it tightly, wishing I could crush it like all my other medals that had been crushed. They were gone and no amount of pity-medals from the other skaters would make them come back.

Closing my fist tighter I felt the medal cutting through the soft leather that surrounded it. Yanking it out of the pouch, I scrambled closer to the dresser. Pressing my shoulder against the heavy wood, I shoved and it tilted back, lifting one foot a couple of inches in the air and positioned the medal directly underneath it. The foot of the dresser was tall but wide. Wide enough it would just cover the medal. And the dresser was heavy. I could feel its weight dig into my shoulder, waiting for me to let it drop. All I had to do was shift just a fraction and it would come crashing down on the medal below.

I pushed the dresser a fraction higher, glaring at the gold glinting below me. Taunting me, telling me that I should have just given up back then. That I didn’t deserve it. Or the beautiful man that had won it.

And I never would.

Gritting my teeth, I shoved against the dresser again, its weight begging for release. I just needed release. Yuri had this delusion that I was some amazing boyfriend. But I wasn’t. I was the piece of shit that was going to crush his medal. And he would finally know I wasn’t worth it.

I couldn’t look at that damn medal anymore and turned away, heaving one last time before moving out of the dresser’s way.

Then I saw it, just a sliver of white.

The letter Yuri had given me was peeking out of the leather pouch. I never could bring myself to read it, but… I couldn’t throw it away. Whatever Yuri had said in that letter, I knew it was something special. I knew _I_ wasn’t special, not like Yuri thought I was, but Yuri… No matter what, he would always be special. Everything he did, everything the touched, was special.

“Argh!” I bellowed, and pushed the dresser one last time. The loud crash brought the real Yuri through the door. He took in the scene — the dresser turned on its side, me leaning against it, upturned feet digging in my back as I clung to the medal and pouch tightly in my fisted hands, those fists pressed hard against my forehead — and rushed over.

Dropping in front of me he reached out, but his hand stopped before it touched mine, poised in the air in front of me. “Jeh! Are you okay?”

“I’m sorry, _mon ange,_ I’m sorry.” Would I ever stop apologizing for how fucked up I was? 

“No, baby, I’m sorry. So sorry. Are you okay?” he asked again. “Your hands.”

I couldn’t even feel them, but I knew the damage I’d caused. “I’m sorry, Yuré. I fucked up your room. I’m sorry. I’ll fix it. I promise. Please don't hate me.”

He leaned in closer, “I don't hate you, baby. I could fucking care less about any of this shit. I only care that you're alright.”

“They hate me,” I told him.

“What?”

“Victor and Katsuki. They think I’m just dragging you down.” I knew it was true, but admitting it out loud made this evening’s nightmare more real.

“No, they don’t. I’m the one that fucked up. Victor’s mad at me, not you.”

“He thinks I’m useless.” I let out a bitter laugh. “He's right. You don’t need me. It would be better if I wasn’t here.”

Yuri gasped. Then he gripped my wrists, bringing my hands down, away from my face. I felt his hot tears sprinkle on my hands as he whispered, “Baby, no, not yet. Please don’t go. I _do_ need you. I need you so badly. We don’t have to go to Moscow. We can stay here. Whatever you want. I don’t care…just…” he gripped my wrists tighter, leaning his head against my hands, “please… don’t push me away. I can’t bear for you to shut me out again.”

It was killing me what I was doing to Yuri. I should stop his suffering, tell him to let me go and move on with his life. Forget he ever knew me. Except I felt cold at that thought. The chilling darkness was surrounding me. I could feel it squeezing my lungs, my heart, crushing them. If Yuri wasn’t in my life it would swallow me whole and that terrified me more. I hated myself for what I was doing to Yuri, but I couldn’t stand to be without him either.

Letting the pouch and medal fall to the floor I grabbed Yuri’s face and pulled him closer.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “Please don’t cry, Yuré. Not for me.”

“This was all my fault, Jeh. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Just stay, please. Just stay just a little longer.”

The vice around me tightened. My mind filled with images of what happened tonight. Of Victor’s absolute disgust as he looked at me. He knew. He knew. And it was squeezing the life out of me.

“I can’t,” I shook my head violently. “I can’t stay here anymore.”

Yuri hiccuped a sob and nodded against me. “If that’s what you need… I understand,” he choked out. “Do you want to go… home?”

Thinking of returning to Montreal was worse. “No. I can’t go back there either. I just… can’t. I don’t know where to go. I just need to go away. Please _mon ange_... Please just take me away.”

“Okay, baby. Okay. We can go anywhere you want. It will be just you and me.”

Barely breathing, “You and me?”

“Yes, just you and me. Is…” he hesitated, then asked quietly, “is Moscow still okay? It’s just… I mean, I can take care of things quickly with Deda and then we can go anywhere you want.”

My chest loosened, just the slightest. Yuri and me. Just Yuri and me. That’s all I wanted. Just to escape everything with Yuri. I simply nodded my head.

We sat there for several moments, our tears pooling below on the hardwood floor beneath us, when Yuri whispered, “Jeh, will we be okay?”

God I wish I knew, but I couldn’t see more than this moment with him. I tightened my hold on Yuri, probably tighter than was comfortable for him. His own grip on my wrists tightened as well in response.

As we held each other there on the floor of Yuri's room, half destroyed, I tried to push away the cloud that hovered around me, telling me with a harsh laugh that this would all fall apart and its darkness would overtake me in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been forever and a day since I updated this! These last several months have been a bit rough to say the least. But now I feel better and plan to pick back up again and post more regularly! 
> 
> Hope this chapter read alright! Fights are hard for me to write, so let me know what you think. 
> 
> I could really use the encouragement from your comments! Xoxo! Thank you my lovelies!


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